Fuck it, I'm good

Title says it all. Let's do this.

Disillusion and Confusion

I'm sitting here at work with another few hours to go until my weekend. I'm not doing well today. I hate how this whole mess is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. I honestly keep trying to sort shit out in my head and continually arrive at the unfortunately impossible solution to my problem, to erase her and everything related from my mind. I feel like I'm lugging a bag of regret around on my back and it is getting heavier and heavier the more I think about shit. I just wanna dump the mother fucker out. I keep trying to justify certain things and convince myself that it would have never worked out. That's the kicker...it's hard to be sure about that. I keep letting myself imagine what it'd be like if everything was still going good, what we would be doing. What we would be doing over the next few months, etc. It sucks when everything you've been planning falls through the fucking cracks and you're left disillusioned and confused.

She's just somebody that I used to know now

That feels incredibly fucked up to say, but that is how it is and that is the mindset I need to keep. I'm not sure how long it is going to take to be comfortable with it, but I understand it is how it has to be. I've been thinking about my practice of self medication since it's violently reared it's stupid face again. It's really the only way I've ever known to deal with shit, which possibly sounds quite cliche'. So, I look at it like this...something sucks and wrecks your face. Shit can get heavy real quick right? Self medication is like a fucked over airbag. When you wreck your car, the idea is that at the moment of impact the airbag will release preventing the abrupt introduction of your face to the steering wheel/dash right? Like a fucking cushion of sorts...protecting you from the brunt of the accident. Some things in life are similar to a car wreck in the sense that they are unexpected, unpleasant, and untimely. Maybe I need to just stop "wrecking cars".

Broken Heart Version 2

So yeah, pretty self explanatory from the title. I'm just wrapping up day one of feeling shitty about another failed relationship. I guess you could say yesterday was officially the day...but I look at it more like getting punched in the fucking face. You don't feel it for a bit, sometimes not till the next day. I'm writing this so that a) I remember how this feels...fucking documentation, sucks while you're doing it, but helpful later? Hopefully. and b) because it is raw, honest, and pure human emotion and it seems right from an artistic standpoint to try to capture it. I feel pretty fucking bummed, I mean god damn immensely bummed, but to be more specific....I feel detached from everything and everyone around me and psychically ill. I have this knot, this knot in my fucking stomach. It's like something is wrong, like I'm worried or nervous about something when in actuality it is a broken heart...why hello old friend, please do fuck off as soon as possible. Funny "they" refer to it as that (a broken heart)...I would go more with broken gut or lower throat area (I'm sure there's a scientific term for the exact location, but yeah...regardless of terminology it hurts) It gets worse the more I think about the relationship from start to finish and all the good times and conversations. The last few things she said still dance in my head and I can't help but replay them over and over again.  Right now I'm allowing myself to go there....start to finish, good to bad, familiar to foreign, from love to pain. My throat is getting tight, my eyes are starting to water and it is all I can do to hold my shit together...hard to believe that I'd almost completely forgotten how this feels, and yet that is profoundly encouraging. I might have cried like a whiny little bitch there for a bit, but I'm not ashamed of that...I think it's part of the process in untying that fucking ridiculous knot in my stomach. Jesus fuck I'm pissed that I let myself get back to this point again. I was (keyword "was") finally at a point where I was happy on my own...until I took another chance on another girl that's left me broken and numb. God. Damn. Fuck.

Title your face

So yeah...I'm almost 27 years old and I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point in life. Fuck, who the hell really is? Rhetorical implication possibly...hard to say speaking from a currently jaded and slightly rattled mindset. I've recently come to understand and respect the slippery slope that is apparently a perfect analogy for my life. This "blog" aka rants of fucking bullshit is for me, to help process my thoughts because well, I'm fucking lost in my my own mind. My shit needs to be reassembled in a much better fashion than ever before...since it's already broken and fucked up I might as well try to get it right this time.